The Beginning: Raw. Real. Honest. No Holding Back.
Updated: Mar 16, 2021
In this blog, I want to be as raw, real, honest, not hold anything back, as I share the beginning of my stand and start of my journey. I just ask that you cast no judgment upon the things I share, after all, I am sure you have done things in your stand for marriage restoration that you are not proud of…Ready? Set? Go!!!
At the time of this blog, I am currently still standing, however, what God is doing in the movement of my marriage is nothing short of amazing! My husband has currently been home for the last few weeks, however, he is not talking about reconciling YET! But God! God deserves all the praise, glory and honor for getting my marriage to this point. BUT, what a journey to get here! Thank you heavenly Father for never giving up on me and my marriage. Thank you for the movement and miracles that you are doing right now. Thank you in advance for my marriage restoration. In Jesus' name, AMEN.
I don't know how your journey began but for me, we had just celebrated our wedding anniversary. I was on cloud nine. We had the most amazing anniversary. Little did I know two weeks later, my spouse would become angry, short with me, cold and harsh. I started thinking in my mind, this is not my husband! This is not him. Who is this man? "This" man was now rejecting the things I would do to serve him, like bring him a drink, serve him meals, massage his feet, etc. (disclaimer: I was not the perfect wife, as I know now, so do not think that I was so fantastic). I could see he was not himself and I began to pray for my husband, my marriage and whatever was making him act this way, to go away. This is when my stand began, even though I had no idea what standing was! Little did I know, that he would tell me that he needed space to think. He needed to move out with his buddy at work so he could clear his mind and we needed to be friends right now. The vow that we made to not have our children grow up in a broken home, like we both did, was now shattered!
I sat numb listening, crying, devastated and in disbelief of what I was hearing. I begged. I asked if this meant we were getting a divorce? To which I was told no, he did not want one. There were a lot of rough moments. I could not sleep. I could not eat. I could not function. I could not be mom. I could not be me. In this time, I lost over 60 pounds quickly. When I was home, I wanted to be at work, because I needed the distraction. Yet, when I was at work, I wanted to be home, laying in bed. I know now that I was falling into a depression. I was fortunate that my mom was there for me and stepped in taking care of my kids. My whole "perfect" world, marriage and family had just turned upside down and I had no idea nor did I see it coming.
During this time, I just wanted answers. Here is where I am not proud of what I did. I prayed to God, however, I wanted to hear in words NOW what was going to happen. I had a friend that was active in talking with a psychic. I was desperate. I needed to know if my husband was coming home. I scheduled a session and went to see this psychic. This experience was "interesting" and I would not suggest it. I did have two additional phone calls with the psychic, each time after something major took place with my husband, an argument or hurtful words that were said with my husband. I knew better and yet I still went forward in talking to this psychic. I, to, was blinded and deceived. After talking to this psychic, I repented and asked God to forgive me. I was so upset with myself that I gave in to talking to the wrong source. I have never talked to the psychic since. There are several ideas or solutions that I had tried or allowed others to say to me, which did not benefit me or my situation.
I was so messed up. I turned to the wrong places and yet I was still praying to God as I did so. I just wanted my life back. I was impatient. I wanted my husband home NOW. I wanted my family whole. God was not answering me fast enough. After a few months, one day I approached my husband, pinned him in conversation, if you will, with the question: is there someone else? Not truly expecting the answer…Yes! I had no clue. I believed every word he had told me when he left that day. I did not know that we had gotten to this point. I felt blindsided. Then he let me know that from the day he moved out, he was living with her.
I, then, began to yell at God. Cussed at God. Cried out to God. I even threw my bible at one point. I did it all. I was so convinced my husband was coming back immediately. I fought in prayer. How could this be our reality? I had so many questions. I pointed my finger at God. I could not understand why God was allowing this to happen, especially ever since I was a young child, I said I was marrying for life. I was not marrying to divorce and be onto another one. I did not want my children to have the childhood that I had…a divorced home. I asked God, WHY!?! I went through and played out all the WHAT Ifs in my mind. We both vowed if we were going to get married, it was for life. End of discussion. I also said as a young child that if someone ever cheated on me, I would not accept it…well, God's plans are not my plans!
I looked for resources online that would help me and my marriage. I had a burning in my heart that I was not going to let my husband despite what he was saying or doing, go! My journey has been in my opinion a long one. A journey of so many twists, turns, highs, lows, ups and downs. Yet, I know that there are many who have been standing longer than I have and ones that did not have to stand as long. Yet, as I reflect on this journey we have come so far and we are nowhere near where we started.
I remember praying with a few other wives that were standing for their marriage and their marriages were restored almost right away. I was happy for them but I was mad that it happened so quickly for them and mine was getting worse. I yelled at God again, saying why is it for each marriage I have prayed for and helped…it has become restored and mine has not?
I wanted to be loved. I wanted my marriage. I wanted my husband. I wanted to feel beautiful. I wanted to be wanted. I wanted to be desired and called sexy. I wanted to be fought for. I wanted to be justified. I did not want my in-laws to meet this other woman. They were my family and I was not going to let her in.
I remembered sharing too much in the beginning with several people. Then something came over me that made me say I do not want my husband to be looked at or treated differently when he came back! So, I realized quickly that over sharing was not good. After all, I just wanted everyone to be on my side and not side with what my husband was doing. I wanted my feelings to be acknowledged and validated. I shared some details with those that were standing and praying with me. Even with these select few I figured out which ones I could share everything with so they can help me fight and the ones that need to know just to say a prayer. I hope that makes sense.
It is at this point, that my stand became more evident. I had many points and arguments I had to make with my family and friends that I was going to stand for my marriage restoration. As you know, this journey is often a lonely one. I had come to realize that the people I fought with would be there to support me or would be nowhere to be found. I also had to say to many people, either you support me or you do not. If you do not, no hard feelings but I cannot have you in my life right now. God did a lot of weeding in my life. Many people in my life have been removed and honestly I am better off now. God knows what He is doing. Even prayer partners or people of God, would come in and out of my life, as needed so God would use them to "plant" in my life during that period or season and they would be gone.
During this time, you may feel pressed down like in an olive press, squeezing the oil out. You feel like you cannot breathe. You may even feel like you are carrying the weight of the world on your shoulders by trying to maintain your lifestyle, finances, home, children, etc. You may feel like a modern time Job and feel like you have lost everything (I felt this often). You may even have suicidal thoughts. You may even feel like it is time to get back at your spouse and get even.
Within this journey, our minds are often flooded and bombarded with negative thoughts, images and feelings. We have to learn to self-talk positively and talk ourselves out of the moods or emotions that we are in. We have to battle our minds more than anything. We have to take our mind back from the enemy. I learned how to pray with scriptures. For awhile, I prayed scriptures every night and opportunity that I got, the list of verses I had took me two and half hours. Now you do not have to do that many, you can choose a few verses to pray that day or that week. However, God leads you. (I will post the scriptures I used on this site, should you be interested).
In conclusion, these are the "highlights" of the beginning of my stand. I will post more of my journey as the Lord guides. I pray that you continue to call on the Lord in those desperate times. Put worship music on. Declare God's promises over yourself, your spouse, your marriage and your family. God is the ultimate Defender. He has never lost a battle yet and NEVER will. SO CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE ON THE WINNING AND VICTORIOUS SIDE!!!!
29 May 2018
Blessed to Bless Others - Pray. Fight. Dream. Believe. Receive.